Transitions and New Identities

This week finally feels like I might be making a bit of progress, even though it’s been much slower than I ever anticipated. At least having the same experience with my knee taught me that it will never go as quickly as I think. It’s been hard seeing so many people still out running, accomplishing their goals, while I am still on the couch, fundamentally unsure what the future has in store for me. 

My biggest growth was restarting some attempts at cardio. Technically the podiatrist I saw discouraged any lower body exercises, but low impact feels relatively safe, especially with the boot on, and I’m keeping it minimal. 

I’m glad that I’m finding comfort in movement routines, in still moving my body 4-5 times a week and feeling myself getting stronger. I’ve never prioritized upper body strength and I am realizing that was such a mistake.

My whole life, I’ve struggled to stay vertical, for lack of a better phrase. It’s very hard and exhausting for me to sit upright for any real length of time, if I cannot lean back. I always saw this as a character flaw, being lazy, but in the past few years have begun wondering in my body structure lacks something. Surely other people doing feel overwhelmingly exhausted just sitting, or else our works would look so different. But the last month strength training has given me hope that perhaps building back and core strength could help create the structure my body naturally lacks, and might make that easier for me. 

(Watching my son crush his fitness goals when I’m stuck on the sidelines) 

It’s been really hard for my goal centered brain to not be working towards something tangible- to have no “10-week training plan” or goal race on the calendar. Goals right now are much more nebulous- build the strength I can so one my foot is fully healed, I won’t be starting completely over, feeling strong in my body, building myself up so I won’t fall as far when I hit my next chronic illness flare.

I desperately want to make an “I’m back” post as soon as I’m cleared to run again but I don’t even know if I will try to run again, at least for a while. It just makes me too sad when I have to stop. And my biggest goal is to figure out a more realistic baseline goal. I’d rather have lower fitness ambitions that I can maintain than be constantly flipping between highs and lows. 

This week will be a big test - I have a 2 mile walking field trip with my class, and am hoping to fully transition out of the boot. So far I’ve been only wearing a shoe at home, with light discomfort but no intense pain. Here’s hoping by next weekend I’ll be feeling more like myself 🤞🏻. 

 

A Month of Healing

 

This past month has been both brutal but also transformative for me, in ways I didn’t expect. I think last year, when I broke my kneecap, that was coming off a fairly (comparatively) good stretch of health and just a few weeks after my 50k, and it felt like more of an interruption in my identity as a runner. 

But this foot injury has been different. It has broken away that identity that had been slowly crumbling away since my first 50k back. Because while I have been telling myself I’m healthy and should take full advantage of it and do everything I possibly can while I still can, the truth is that this is a disabled body and I can’t outrun it or out-train it. And trying to do that has only made every failure my body experiences that much more crushing. Plus it’s literally putting so much stress on my body that it’s causing injuries like this one. 

They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, so why do I keep repeating the same crushing cycle? Rushing to start running again as soon as I possibly can, doing too much for this broken body of mine, because I’m so terrified of it starting to fail, and then bringing that failure upon myself? 

This injury is finally forcing me to reckon with who I am and look at how to get into the healthiest and strongest body I can develop, acknowledging my disabilities for once, instead of ignoring them, so that if and when it fails again, I’ll be in a better place to handle it. So I’ve started tracking my food to make sure I’m getting the proteins and vitamins and minerals I need to fuel and heal, and I’m learning how to consistently strength training so that my bones hopefully stop breaking. 

And this time I’m not counting down the days until I can run again because that isn’t the goal this time. Running can’t be my fix for my debilitating chronic pain and fatigue when it can be so easily taken away from me. I need to see what else can help. And strength training has a lot of research backing it for chronic pain and fatigue (and does seem more manageable in a flare). 

So that’s my focus. Getting strong. Getting back into nature as soon as I can, but slowly, cautiously. I need to find something that my failing body can’t take away from me again and again. And a way to keep my body working as long as possible. 

Really hoping that I find a better version of myself in the process. 

No More Weeks…

Well, I suppose it was tempting fate to commit to a race and actually get my hopes up. My track record of being healthy and whole in the past two years has been spotty at best. After my gorgeous Monterey run at the start of February that blew up my foot, the pain kept getting worse. 

After seeing a podiatrist, who first recommended an orthopedic shoe that brought only more pain, I was told my only hope was a cast for the next four weeks. While I was initially only diagnosed with inflammation, it soon seemed pretty certain that this is a stress fracture. Dealing with bouts of malnutrition for the past 9 years has clearly taken a toll on my body, to have two fractures in a year. 

Looking back on the past two years is illuminating. The yellow dates are when I had an injury or chronic illness symptoms severe enough to make it hard or impossible to run. 

Yeah, not great. And 2025 felt definitely markedly worse than 2024 (though 2024 definitely wasn’t great either). The best analogy I’ve come up with is that my life is a series of sprints through an obstacle course full of trap doors. And I never know when the trap doors are coming so I go as fast as I can, trying to cram in as many dreams, and runs and races. But then before I ever get where I’m trying to reach, the ground opens up underneath me and down I plummet. 

The holes are different sizes - some are shallow, while others are so deep I can’t see the sky. And after weeks or months of painstakingly clawing my way out, I start moving again. Slowly at first, still recovering from the fall, but forever pushing myself to do more. To be faster. To try to reach my goals. Knowing the next trap door could be at any minute. And that one of the trap doors in my future has no bottom at all. And when I fall through that one, I’ll never find my way out. 

So I spend all my time in the pit worrying about the next fall, the time wasted, the worry that I’ll never be free long enough to get anywhere. 

And while in the grand scheme of things, 4 weeks in a cast to heal a stress fracture is small, it comes on the heels of a terrible flu, and before that, a month of bronchitis, of a three month fibromyalgia flare, or anemia, of a three week gastroparesis flare where I couldn’t eat, and before that a broken kneecap, which came with its own terrible fibromyalgia flare, because being injured means my brain feels like I am in danger and so decides to make it worse. 

And all that in a year has made me more and more desperate to escape this chronically ill body. To sprint faster and faster, to dream bigger, to try to outrun the misfortune of having a body that is always breaking down.

So it may just be four weeks, but it truth it’s causing me to have a real reckoning with who I fundamentally am as a person. I need to stop trying to escape myself and find a way to live within my limitations. To give up pretending that I am a healthy person, who then is devastated every time my body fails. 

I’m not yet sure what that will mean. If it means I’m giving up running entirely, or simply taking away the pressure and the plans, I’m not sure. I think it means finally overcoming my fear of strength training, as it’s something that can be done around most of my limitations. It also means finding ways to enjoy nature that aren’t running based. 

Tonight I used my knee scooter to go 1.2 miles on the path by the lake. Much more exhausting that walking or even running. But I got to move. And then I sat in the car and watched the sunset. As I sat, I pictured myself sitting in beautiful places, even when I can’t walk. Of being grateful for being in nature, even if it’s also a parking lot. Of finding joy even amidst frustration and sorrow for a life I am just never going to have. 

Accepting life as a disabled person is hard. I’ve very much fought against that label for a very long time. But when I was at my doctor appointment for my foot, I looked and I have 13 documented current disabling health issues. It’s time to see my life through a different, more forgiving and more accommodating lens. 

It’s a terrifying prospect but there’s no way out but forward. Hoping that this will lead me to a new path, a gentler one where I don’t need to sprint and the obstacles are gentle depressions where I can rest when I need and then walk back out the other side. 

We’ll see what the future brings. 

Weeks 10-11: Waiting Game

 

Whelp, foot definitely isn’t okay. 4 weeks in a special boot/shoe and obviously no running and hopefully it’ll be okay on the other side. Going through all the emotions and definitely still struggling. I have no idea what this means for my race or whether I should drop. But for now I’m trying to stay in the present and look for the positives. I feel like some of the lessons I should have learned about cross training, strength training and what’s important to me have gotten through in a way they didn’t when I broke my knee. 

I’ve always been so resistant to strength training. There are just so many variables to it, so many different exercises you can do, equipment, moves, it just felt impossible. But this time around, irs one of the best tools that doesn’t stress my foot, so I finally figured out a system to keep track of the weight on the machines that I’m using, and how to use my watch for it, and I’m just committed to using the circuit equipment and not overthinking it. I ended up spending almost an hour doing all the machines this weekend and I was supposed how much I enjoyed it. I can visualize continuing to do it even when I start running again. And that’s a huge win. 

I’m also back on the bike, but for whatever reason I am a lot more positive about it. It might help that I’m finally doing a hill setting, so a lot of the time it’s easier than what I was doing before, but chunks are also a lot harder. I’m getting my heart race up, which was always my issue before. And I am coming close to enjoying it. 

Another cardio machine I’m learning is the rower. My first day I could barely make it 5 minutes but now I’m up to 10 and excited by my progress. 

Might add more to this later but it’s past when I should be sleeping. So for now, I’m sad, but hopeful too, and staying here in the present. 

Week 9: Highest Highs and the Lowest Lows

Like clockwork, it seems that every 4 weeks something fails. On paper this week was pretty incredible. Ed and I had a mini getaway to Monterey where he finally had a super successful race, after a string of challenging ones. 

It was so bc wonderful to see him achieve his 50 miler goal, feeling strong and happy. And while he ran, so did I, hitting 10 miles of perhaps the most gorgeous string of coastline I’ve experienced. 

The week leading up to the race was good as well, I hit my run plan, had some nice sunsets, fit in a run AFTER a staff meeting without completely losing the daylight, and even enjoyed a walk with my mom. 

The day before Ed’s race, we did a gorgeous 4 mile run on his race course, soaking in the rolling green hills, hawks flying overhead and even a field of baby goats. 

Running together is a rare treat, and always brings me back to pre-kid days, though even then it was often limited by my chronic pain, though I didn’t understand that at the time. 

So much of the weekend had me feeling stronger and younger, as if we entered a portal back to our first year together, when Monterey trips were fairly common and special trips with this new boy I’d fallen in love with were a regular occurrence. 

We even had dinner together on the pier, the same pier where I met his mom for the very first time, where at barely 22, life stretched before me in endless possibilities. 

In short, the trip was full of so much loveliness, and if I was just sharing the social media version, I’d stop the story there. Because that version IS true -it was one of our best couple trips we’ve ever taken and I feel so thankful for the trip. 

But, the truth of the matter is that under everything was a steadily building pain in my foot that has, in truth, been growing for weeks. 

The problem with having chronic illnesses, and especially chronic pain that makes my daily baseline level of pain around a 5/10, is that it’s impossible to trust your body’s signals. So much of my pain is neuroplastic, a mistake of my nervous system that sends pain signals when it senses stress, whether it’s work, family, waking from sleep, or even changes in my body chemistry. 

That kind of pain can only be treated by reminding your mind that you are safe, that your body is physically okay, and by calming your nervous system. 

But, the problem arises when you have a new pain. Is it a new extension of neuroplastic pain, that should be soothed but not treated seriously, which would make it worse? Or is there a true problem? This is how I ended up running around for over a week on a broken kneecap last year. 

And how I ended up running 10 miles in Monterey on what has become an increasingly painful foot that was in agony by the end. I still loved the run and it felt worth the views, but it also made me wonder if perhaps this pain is from an actual injury that can’t be treated with mental exercises. 

Two days later, it’s still swollen and hurts to walk, and, whatever is wrong, it’s now fairly clear I shouldn’t continue to run through it. 

While I wait to get it checked, a lot has been going through my mind. About the unknown side effects on my body (and bones) following years of starvation and malnutrition from when I was so ill. I keep trying to prove to myself that until my stomach fails again, that I have a strong healthy body no different from other healthy bodies. But that’s just a lie I tell myself. 

The truth is that this body has been through the wringer and it will never be the body I had before I got sick. And there are limits I can’t will myself around. 

So, what does this mean for my summer dreams? We shall see. I have almost two months to make a final decision. But for now I need to be smart. To go to the gym, give my foot a break, and stop fighting myself. 

In the meantime, I can celebrate my own strength in navigating this broken body and never giving up. 

 

Week 8: Double Digits

Definitely celebrating a strong week and a strong month! Not only did I hit my first 100 mile month since June, but I also hit my first double digit run on Saturday. Even with getting sick and losing my long run last week, I still managed to get everything I wanted. 

The week definitely started rough, with a lingering cold, a tired body, and sore, exhausted legs. 

I did check out a new to me little trail this week that I’ve been curious about for a while, which was fun, and did some camping daydreaming, wandering through the local campsite. 

We’ve been having unseasonably gorgeous weather and, while I know we need the rain, I might as well enjoy these gorgeous evenings. 

I also did a new variation on one of my favorites going up canyon, which I loved. It was a little flatter than what I usually tackle, but still more climbing and trails than Spring Lake, so it was a great option. And the light coming back was so lovely. 

But the highlight was definitely Saturday. We did my favorite less intense 10 mile loop through Annadel and it was such a treat to get to share it with Ed. He has his 50 miler coming up next weekend so we definitely talked some about that, and just life plans in general. 

I love getting to do things like this again! 

I wrapped up the week with a lovely walk with my mom ❤️. 

 Next week, the build continues! I have a little nerve pain in a foot so I might actually take advantage of my rest day tomorrow, but I’m excited to tackle my 11 miler down in Monterey. Hard to believe it’s already been two months of good running! 

In race news I am about ready to sign up for the TS Half race at Lake Sonoma in April and just booked lodging for Tahoe. Lots of excitement!