Like clockwork, it seems that every 4 weeks something fails. On paper this week was pretty incredible. Ed and I had a mini getaway to Monterey where he finally had a super successful race, after a string of challenging ones.
It was so bc wonderful to see him achieve his 50 miler goal, feeling strong and happy. And while he ran, so did I, hitting 10 miles of perhaps the most gorgeous string of coastline I’ve experienced.
The day before Ed’s race, we did a gorgeous 4 mile run on his race course, soaking in the rolling green hills, hawks flying overhead and even a field of baby goats.
Running together is a rare treat, and always brings me back to pre-kid days, though even then it was often limited by my chronic pain, though I didn’t understand that at the time.
So much of the weekend had me feeling stronger and younger, as if we entered a portal back to our first year together, when Monterey trips were fairly common and special trips with this new boy I’d fallen in love with were a regular occurrence.
We even had dinner together on the pier, the same pier where I met his mom for the very first time, where at barely 22, life stretched before me in endless possibilities.
In short, the trip was full of so much loveliness, and if I was just sharing the social media version, I’d stop the story there. Because that version IS true -it was one of our best couple trips we’ve ever taken and I feel so thankful for the trip.
But, the truth of the matter is that under everything was a steadily building pain in my foot that has, in truth, been growing for weeks.
The problem with having chronic illnesses, and especially chronic pain that makes my daily baseline level of pain around a 5/10, is that it’s impossible to trust your body’s signals. So much of my pain is neuroplastic, a mistake of my nervous system that sends pain signals when it senses stress, whether it’s work, family, waking from sleep, or even changes in my body chemistry.
That kind of pain can only be treated by reminding your mind that you are safe, that your body is physically okay, and by calming your nervous system.
But, the problem arises when you have a new pain. Is it a new extension of neuroplastic pain, that should be soothed but not treated seriously, which would make it worse? Or is there a true problem? This is how I ended up running around for over a week on a broken kneecap last year.
And how I ended up running 10 miles in Monterey on what has become an increasingly painful foot that was in agony by the end. I still loved the run and it felt worth the views, but it also made me wonder if perhaps this pain is from an actual injury that can’t be treated with mental exercises.
Two days later, it’s still swollen and hurts to walk, and, whatever is wrong, it’s now fairly clear I shouldn’t continue to run through it.While I wait to get it checked, a lot has been going through my mind. About the unknown side effects on my body (and bones) following years of starvation and malnutrition from when I was so ill. I keep trying to prove to myself that until my stomach fails again, that I have a strong healthy body no different from other healthy bodies. But that’s just a lie I tell myself.
The truth is that this body has been through the wringer and it will never be the body I had before I got sick. And there are limits I can’t will myself around.
So, what does this mean for my summer dreams? We shall see. I have almost two months to make a final decision. But for now I need to be smart. To go to the gym, give my foot a break, and stop fighting myself.
In the meantime, I can celebrate my own strength in navigating this broken body and never giving up.
