Transitions and New Identities

This week finally feels like I might be making a bit of progress, even though it’s been much slower than I ever anticipated. At least having the same experience with my knee taught me that it will never go as quickly as I think. It’s been hard seeing so many people still out running, accomplishing their goals, while I am still on the couch, fundamentally unsure what the future has in store for me. 

My biggest growth was restarting some attempts at cardio. Technically the podiatrist I saw discouraged any lower body exercises, but low impact feels relatively safe, especially with the boot on, and I’m keeping it minimal. 

I’m glad that I’m finding comfort in movement routines, in still moving my body 4-5 times a week and feeling myself getting stronger. I’ve never prioritized upper body strength and I am realizing that was such a mistake.

My whole life, I’ve struggled to stay vertical, for lack of a better phrase. It’s very hard and exhausting for me to sit upright for any real length of time, if I cannot lean back. I always saw this as a character flaw, being lazy, but in the past few years have begun wondering in my body structure lacks something. Surely other people doing feel overwhelmingly exhausted just sitting, or else our works would look so different. But the last month strength training has given me hope that perhaps building back and core strength could help create the structure my body naturally lacks, and might make that easier for me. 

(Watching my son crush his fitness goals when I’m stuck on the sidelines) 

It’s been really hard for my goal centered brain to not be working towards something tangible- to have no “10-week training plan” or goal race on the calendar. Goals right now are much more nebulous- build the strength I can so one my foot is fully healed, I won’t be starting completely over, feeling strong in my body, building myself up so I won’t fall as far when I hit my next chronic illness flare.

I desperately want to make an “I’m back” post as soon as I’m cleared to run again but I don’t even know if I will try to run again, at least for a while. It just makes me too sad when I have to stop. And my biggest goal is to figure out a more realistic baseline goal. I’d rather have lower fitness ambitions that I can maintain than be constantly flipping between highs and lows. 

This week will be a big test - I have a 2 mile walking field trip with my class, and am hoping to fully transition out of the boot. So far I’ve been only wearing a shoe at home, with light discomfort but no intense pain. Here’s hoping by next weekend I’ll be feeling more like myself 🤞🏻.