"I am whole"

So, it' been pretty quiet in these parts lately. Mostly because I am slowly but surely redefining my meaning of the words "fitness," "active," and "athlete." I've started attending a yoga class a few weeks ago, and have to say that it's lovely. It's much more stress relief than cardio focused, but it does seem to satisfy the stress relief aspect that I am missing from running. The class talks about, when something is hurting or feeling uncomfortable, as just being increased sensation. Whenever my leg of foot is bothering me too much, now, I am trying to acknowledge it as increased sensation, rather than pain, which I think does help some. Also, at the beginning of each class, you are supposed to identify an intention for that day's class; a phrase to repeat as you focus on breathing. The last couple of classes, mine has been "I am whole."

Ever since I got injured almost 6 years ago, and especially since I started dealing with my much more debilitating foot nerve pain last year, I have felt like just part of a person. It's been hard on me and on Ed, to have lost the ability to go out and run. It was so weird - I ended up telling my principal about my nerve issues a couple weeks ago, as walking around a lot in the classroom can exacerbate my issues, and I wanted her to know why she might come in and find me sitting in the front, whether than walking around. She was super understanding and said she'd noticed that I limped, but hadn't wanted to ask. It was just so odd to me to think that people can tell by looking at me that I'm not completely 100%. That the injury is actually something that can be, at least to some extent, seen. I think I've just been in denial, but I think I need to move beyond that. This is part of who I am right now.

In addition to yoga, I've started doing weight lifting a few times a week. Again, it's so nice to be doing something where I don't feel worse when I finish. Granted, it didn't give me the satisfaction at first like a running workout would, but I've noticed that as I keep doing it, I'm enjoying it more and more.

So, for now, being an athlete for me means yoga and weights, not running. I have to believe that someday my pain will be solved. I actually have an appointment with a new neurologist this Friday in hopes of learning something.

But, in the meantime, I am working very hard to be okay with who I am at this very moment, and feeling like a whole person despite everything. Today's class had us look within ourselves to that constant part of ourselves that always remains the same, despite the changes within our world and ourselves. We were supposed to focus on this part, and connect with it. So, that's what I'm trying to do.